For those of you who are new, here is how it goes. I'm going to tell you right now rules are strict and I don't F around. Ask any of my loyal followers.
Rule 1) Read the confessions below, they are my real life hobag friends
Rule 2) Read the confession allstar and honorable mentions from the comment section of last week's CF
Rule 3) ONLY comment if you're adding a confession. And you should. Your goal is to beat this week's bitches and be next weeks allstar and my best friend for a week. Talk about a prize. So this means do not comment if you plan on saying "That is so funny" or "I've got nothing" or "I'm too embarrassed". Save your commenting strength for another blog.
I told you I mean business. Confession Friday is no joke.
K: You know you are too sexually active when you have brush burn internally from nueva ring
L: I ate a piece of French toast off of a customer's plate after they finished and then brought it back to the dishwasher.
J: Sometimes when I can tell I'm going to poop a significant amount, I weigh myself pre, and then post poop and then pretend I really lost that weight through diet and exercise. (*MODG note, after asking, she lost 1.6 lbs. Impressive)
S: I have, on more than one occasion, thought about buying some sort of drug that intensifies drunkenness and slipping it into my boyfriends drink, simply because I want him to be as drunk as I am on any given occasion.
Me: Me and Jillian Michaels are in a huge fight. Mostly she's mad at me for turning her off in the first set of exercises to eat some cheese block. The worst part was that I was sore the next day from 8 minutes of strength training.
Confession AllStar ZDub: When I had my store was open this summer, it had a large bathroom off the storage room (not for public use). I put a playpen in there and that is where my son took naps.
One afternoon after drinking a large McDonald's sugar free iced coffee, I had to go like nobody's business. I waited until the store didn't have any customers and I ran back to the bathroom to discover my son had climbed out of his playpen and LOCKED THE DOOR. The nearest restroom was a few doors down at a restaurant, but I was the only one at the store and I couldn't just leave with my son locked in the bathroom.
Besides I wasn't going to make it anyway. I noticed my son's diaper bag on my desk and I grabbed a diaper. And I peed in it. And by peed, I mean pooped. And let's not talk about it anymore.
Confession Honorable Mention (i.e. makes me laugh out loud) Erin: I'm now letting my Jewish kids watch a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Santa episode for like the 3rd time this morning so I can be on Blogger. It's a little sad. But it's as close to him as they'll ever get. Well, except for next week at school when they sit on his lap.
Now remember, comment and CONFESS.
Note: I never said this was anonymous.
36 comments:
This is a huge honor. HUGE.
Also, Erin: My son is watching Yo Gabba Gabba for the third time so I can edit photos. Ain't no shame in my game. And I put out animal crackers for him.
S has an amazing confession. Please do this and take photos.
MODG: I'm eating chips and blue cheese dressing as we speak.
after i suspected my boyfriend-at-the-time was cheating one me (but before the bikini tossing episode), i found a pink toothbrush hidden in the back of the medicine cabinet. i took off the travel case top, swished it around the toilet a couple times, then replaced it.
never said a word.
still not sorry.
First time poster, I’ll try to keep this short…
Years ago, I dated this gorgeous man who should have been famous by looks alone. He was old fashioned, so we took things slowly. By the 5th date, we decided slow was for fools & it was time to get it on. Fast forward to his house, me- naked & extremely satisfied by his… talented tongue. He says “I’ll be right back, I am not finished with you yet” & goes into the bathroom. He left me watching a “movie”, which I must have fallen asleep. Next thing I know, I wake up 30 mins later, he is still in the bathroom. I’m pissed off & so I go to grab my clothes. I find everything but my panties (TMI-which were purple lace thongs). I figure I will just leave this bitch commando style. He then returns as I am walking out of the bedroom, freshly shaven- EVERYTHING from arms to pits to chest to… balls, wearing MY PANTIES & yanking on himself telling me I turn him on so much! I will not get into the gritty details of how small he was (pinky finger small), but like a lady, I made some excuse about leaving the sprinklers on & left. When everyone asked why we stopped dating, I could never tell them that he was a small packaged freak, just that it didn’t work out.
That is too funny and I totally have nothing. Gosh, that's just too embarrassing.
>: )
I've weighed myself before and after. I didn't see a difference but maybe I needed a more precise scale.
While I was at work the other day I went home to let my dog out and I decided I would use the bathroom. My toilet is one of those low flow toilets that is supposed to use way less water. As a result it is not the best flusher and gets clogged when more than 2 sheets of toilet paper are used. It clogged, I grabbed the plunger, and ended up splashing water all over my legs. I had a fresh pair of pants on so I wasn't going to change so I found a clorox wipe and wiped my pants off and then went back to work.
I left both of my children in the car while it was running and locked, so I could run into Wal-mart and get my oldest daughter a lunchable for her school lunch. This may be a weekly thing.
The bf is a freak about germs which is good cause one of these days he'll be a doctor. However, one time he caught me tasting a sauce I was making and I put the spoon back in the sauce. He made this a bfd and I was like "Whatever, why does it matter? You kiss me, make out with me and all of that fun stuff, why does it matter if I taste off the spoon I'm cooking OUR dinner with?" He walked off muttering about how gross I am.
I now regularly make sure to taste anything I make him several times. It's my passive aggressive way of sticking it to him.
*Note: I do not taste food for guests and put the spoon back in. I'm not stupid and wouldn't want to share saliva with you under any circumstances.*
I was wearing a 24-hr heart monitor put on by the cardiologist last night and I accidentally spilled onion dip on it while watching a DVRed episode of The Biggest Loser. Ironic? Maybe just a little.
confesh #1: I'm supposed to be writing my paper, but I'm not.
confesh #2: i'm going to email it...it's so bad
LMAO!! I've done the diaper one!
confession: It's probably not a big juicy one, but I have to come clean, anyway. My baby refused to take a nap, and I really wanted to watch this movie at the theater. I used to be one of those bitches who bitched about babies at the movie theater, and now look at me, taking mine to the movies. I haven't gone since she was born, so I was dying to go. Anyway, I wanted to enjoy the movie in the theater without having to leave if she cried; and to ensure she didn't cry, I gave her .5 ml of baby tylenol. She slept peacefully throughout the entire movie! Please don't call Child Services on me. It was only .5 ml!
when i was 18 my best friend had a graduation party. her father owned a gas station so he invited his workers to the shindig- it was a pretty huge party w/ a ton of people from my school and my town (which were not the same thing due to me going to a private school- so we are talking two different groups of rumor mills).
so anywho, i proceed to get silly drunk and make out with a boy from the dads gas station. after said make out session, he tells me he has a gf. whatevs, right? well drunk ass me starts balling. i cried (sobbed) for like hours. one of my friends sat down and cried with me too, just cuz.
the best part- like a month later we stop at the gas station and he comes out to talk to me. i blow him off and ask my friend "who the f* was that & why is he talking to me?!". um, yeah, i didn't recognize the boy i had cried over for hours.
not my finest hour, but sadly not my worst either.
My husband I and arrived early to a friends house and after waiting for 15 mins for them to arrive, they texted they would be another 15mins. I was sick of 90's on 9 and iphone games just didn't cut it.
I looked around and saw a gloriously large back seat and had a perfect idea to kill time.
I crawled back, he crawled back... just when the windows started to fog I saw blue and red lights flashing all around the car.
Guess they neighbors didn't like our high school antics!
I love the Backstreet Boys.
I think I'll let my son watch an extra hour of cartoons tomorrow morning ;)
Do you give absolution like a priest?
I only confess things if I get points to get into heaven.
Flash Dancing
A confession and maybe a bit of advice...If you pretend to burn the roof of your mouth on a slice of pizza, you have an excuse other than "I don't feel like it" to get out of oral sex. I have used it for up to a week at a time. Caution...I am now single.
Look, I'm not trying to call anyone out, but validating someone else's confession by saying you did something similar doesn't count as a confession even if you are a confession friday all-star...Z-DUB.
Confession: I made up a total bullshit story about my life while in the waiting room just to see how far I could take it. The woman's husband had run over their son with a trailer and I went on some schpiel about something similar happening to my uncle and his dog. She felt like we were "kindred spirits" (those are her words).
Look, I'm not trying to call anyone out, but validating someone else's confession by saying you did something similar doesn't count as a confession even if you are a confession friday all-star...Z-DUB.
Confession: I made up a total bullshit story about my life while in the waiting room just to see how far I could take it. The woman's husband had run over their son with a trailer and I went on some schpiel about something similar happening to my uncle and his dog. She felt like we were "kindred spirits" (those are her words).
I went oh a work trip with a hot co-worker. We got really drunk and horny, but had enough sense to part company before anything happened, since we were both married. I continued to drink when I got back to my room and after awhile decided it would be a good idea to start pranking her by calling her room and hanging up. I had officially reach the DICK level of drunk. Anyway, I did this probably 20 times. This was at 2 am. She was pissed. Finally, I quit, and she called my room. I acted like I had been asleep when I answered the phone. She was going off. I convinced her that it wasn't me cause I had "passed out" right after we parted earlier. She actually apologized to me for waking me up. She still doesn't know it was really me.
Oh yeah, also, I totally would have fucked her too.
I think Maya wins. She gets my vote.
lve your blog..
Here's the setting.
My Bachlorette party. 9 years ago. In my condo in a south chicago suburb. First floor condo, front of the building. And the patio is on the main road.
In attendance are a few friends, cousins, and my mom and her BFF. We are all doing shots. Bobbing for hot dogs and kiwi's (hoping I don't have to explain that one) so we got soaked.
My mom dares three of us to strip off our pants. And go onto the patio. Whatever, it's dark out.
So thongs and tshirts only, the three of us run out to the deck, only to be duped by my mom, my "friends", cousins and my mom's fantastic giggling BFF, they locked us out onto the patio.
In thus turing on the front lights. Still not totally freaked, we realize it's late, we're way up by the house. But then the main door opens 20 feet away. A hand reaches out. And SOMEONE starts buzzing all my neighbors doors saying I needed to be let in!!
OMG. Lets just say they let us scream and bang on the door, frantic that my 95 year old neighbors would come out, or that hot single guy that lives upstairs and see us in our thongs, soaked, and in a drunken stupor.
Needless to say, my mom is still cooler then I am because of this night.
And if you need to know, they were nice enough to let us in right before someone came down.
Queen of Feisty
I cringe when I remember what a mean bitch I was in high school. Whenever a new girl wanted in our group, I would make her knell and kiss my bare feet. I have since turned into the sweetest angel, and apologized to everyone involved. Yet, sometimes I find it really difficult fighting that queenly demeanor which comes so easily to me.
I need to do it every day.
ok. one time i was at a party at some guys apartment (small, one bathroom) and i had to poop. there was a line. when it finally was my turn i went in and pooped and tried to flush. clogged. what in the fuck was i gonna do?? there were several people behind me waiting and i couldn't blame the person in front of me. so i took my bare hands reached in the toilet and grabbed the poop lifted the lid on the tank and plopped it in there. 'round these parts that's now known as a "top shelf".
I once wore my husband's underwear to work, just to see what it would feel like.- G
When I go shopping I almost always have to poop. I don't know, I get nervous about spending money, retarded I know. 99.9% of my life I have my 4 yr old son with me, so I always try to make it seem like he is the one that has to use the bathroom. I have trained him not to speek while we are in the stall so that he dosn't give me away by saying something like "wow mom that was a big stinky one" (exact quote from previous outting). I know I am damaging my son for life, but am only really worried about when he gets too old to join me in the stall (13 or 14?).
Sarah-Obviously it would be fair for me to confess again and bust out with my greatness. It isn't fair to the other competitors.
My confession: I have to shave in more places than you know.. it's a jungle in there.. a jungle......
I accidentally gave my youngest a muscle relaxer instead of his allergy medicine. That little effer is a robot. He didn't even get sleepy.
My confession: I use a razor to 'tweeze' my eyebrows. I find tweezers too painful and razors swipe off so much so quickly. Only downsides: you have to shave that part once a week at least, and ... on more than one occasion, I've swiped off a little bit of my actual eyebrow. Oops!
Hope you have a great weekend :)
I worked in the operating room, and right before the patient was going to leave the OR, I went over into the corner and ripped a big (quiet) one that had been 'building' for the whole case. I knew it was going to be bad, but the anesthetist and patient were about to leave, right? They didn't. And the smell was overpowering, as in gag-worthy. I blamed it on the still-drugged patient.
I fall asleep each night wanting to get banged by a total chocolate thug.
I used to enter booty contests in college so my roommate and I could eat for the week. $250 a pop each time I won.
Embarrassing, but shit, we were so damn hungry!! We spent most of our money on clothes, shoes and alcohol.
That cracks me up. I've totally weighed myself post poo. I thought that was normal. Ah ha ha
I heard a woman in the ladies' room just chattin' away on her cell phone this morning so I picked the stall next to her and was intentionally dramatic. I could tell she wasn't from our part of the building and wouldn't know who I was, so I made as much noise as I possibly could - there were grunts, sighs and coughs; it was like a potty time symphony. Ruin my break from ringing phones and bitchy coworkers... I will ruin your conversation.
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