My first confession: I've been a terrible blog friend lately. I am behind on your blogs and commenting on your blogs. I'm a bitch, but not that bitchy. I'll catch up next week.
Now on to CONFESSION FRIDAY. For the newbies, here are the rules:
1) FOLLOW THE RULES. If you disobey I will come after you.
2) Read the confessions below, they are my real life friends and maniacs
3) In the comments you MUST confess something, anything. I don't want to see, "oh that is funny" or "I'll never tell" or "I've got nothing". Not acceptable at MODG.
4) Do your best to be featured in next week's confession Friday.
PROCEED. My notes are in blue.
L: Currently in a middle school art class for an observation and I'm sitting here simultaneously counting the seconds till I can leave, thinking about what I'm going to wear next Friday, how delicious bagels are (MODG note*: So delicious), and how I can't wait to get drunk immediately if not sooner. P.S. Should I not be emailing while doing observations? (*NO. Actually, yes.)
K: I am taking these new prescription “acne vitamins” they have turned my poo green- like, forest hunter green, it’s a bit disconcerting . (*If by disconcerting you mean awesome)
S: I fell head over heels down a cement staircase in 3rd edition (a bar for 21 year olds from Georgetown University) and demanded they did not call the EMT's because I didnt have health insurance. I walked away with the worst bruises anyone has ever seen, couldn't walk for days and am sure this is some sort of permanent damage on my right thigh. (* For many reasons you should know that S VERY close to 30)
J: I gave my boyfriend an ultimatium about having a baby or getting a cat and I'm secretly hoping he picks the baby. I was also secretly hoping that I would be pregnant this month and he wouldn't have a choice. (* J isn't even engaged yet.)
Me: I HATE washing my hands after I pee. Like really hate it. I really only do it if someone else is in the bathroom. Please. Like anyone ever died of pee on the hand disease.
Confession All Star Mimi: A girl I know went to her boyfriend's house and the plumbing didn't work so well. She flushed the toilet after a monstrous sized "pent up nervous about meeting the parents" dump. It didn't go down. The water swirled, fill the pot, slowly went back down to normal level. She didn't know what to do and she was frantic. She couldn't tell him she freakin' clogged his toilet! So she scoops the crap outta the toilet and puts it IN THE SINK and turns on the water to let it all dissolve down into the drain. Then she dumps like the whole thing of handsoap down there and scrubs her hands AND the sink. Gag. (*You all know I love a good poop story but there are no words for this. And YES in this situation I'd wash my hands. Calm down.)
Confession Honorable Mention (AKA makes me laugh) Monique-aka-Surferwife23: In first grade, Sara K. told a nerdy guy that I wanted to go steady. At recess I collected roly polys and put them in her clothes and hair at circle time. Pretty sure I came out victorious in that war.
Your turn. Don't disappoint. I have some sick sick readers. Thank MODG for that. PS despite the overwhelming poop story response (as usual) poop stories are not required.
PS my picture theme of the day is Asian children. That's for you ZDub.
55 comments:
Omg the crap in the sink story is too much for me!
I am going to go and be sick now... hahahahaha
And WASH YOUR HANDS LADY!! haha ;)
YES! You know I love me some Asian babies.
I even though to myself while reading your last post, "That wild boar better not hurt that baby Asian."
My confession:
I am so deathly afraid of Amanda, because you know what? She's not joking. If you don't follow her rules she IS going to come after you. Scary scary lady. Scary.
Better??
Ams is right. I sent her quite the email. Let's all learn from this.
When I was younger I use to litter all the time by throwing trash out my car window. I justified it by saying that I was creating jobs.
And here's my confession:
When I had my store was open this summer, it had a large bathroom off the storage room (not for public use). I put a playpen in there and that is where my son took naps.
One afternoon after drinking a large McDonald's sugar free iced coffee, I had to go like nobody's business. I waited until the store didn't have any customers and I ran back to the bathroom to discover my son had climbed out of his playpen and LOCKED THE DOOR.
The nearest restroom was a few doors down at a restaurant, but I was the only one at the store and I couldn't just leave with my son locked in the bathroom.
Besides I wasn't going to make it anyway.
I noticed my son's diaper bag on my desk and I grabbed a diaper.
And I peed in it.
And by peed, I mean pooped.
And let's not talk about it anymore.
OMG MODG! Aren't you all full of sugar and spice to make me the honorable mention!! Did you know I also use to SELL said roly poly's for a penny? Talk about resourceful.
So, today I blogged about my nasty ass coke and Corn Nut lunch. But I also had a bag of Funyuns. Eww. Don't tell anyone or I will have to run like 10 miles today. That's my confession.
And yeah. ZDub has quite a winner of a story above me. Double eww to her.
i ran out of shaving cream 3 weeks ago and kept forgetting to pick some up...needless to say my legs looked like robin williams arms. it was so long that when i finally did get shaving cream last night, i had to use electric clippers to take it down because no razor known to man could shave through that jungle...and yes, i used the clippers on my hooha as well. but my armpits were maintained by using conditioner...nothing worse than prickly arm pits. i need an in house brazilian waxer and a raise
Sarah from ALME emailed me to post her confession as she has dial up. THAT is dedication
I left work early and am at S's (with dial-up). Please post my confession...
There were these weird ass twins that I went to school with all through school and they wanted to be priests when they grew up (I told you...weird as shit). In the 5th grade I told one of them that I saw on the news that boys who wanted to be priests when they were young grew up to be axe murderers. They went home & told their mom & she called my mom.
I was in deep shit.
As a sidenote: surprisngly, the Catholic church is willing to marry me.
Sidenote 2: Jackholes, leave confessions on Confession Friday. I don't want to have to keep reminding you.
oh and i also have ignored this blog for the past week. i was wondering what that void was...
When I was little I wanted to play my TLC tape in my parents expensive tape player and they told me no. So being the good child I didn't...until I happened to be home with only my brother. Well karma's a bitch because the tape player got stuck. I used a screwdriver to bust the tape into pieces and pull it out of the player. The evidence was destroyed (put in my neighbor's trash can) and the tape player looked untouched, except that it didn't work the next time my parents tried to use it. I only recently confessed this to my parents. Thanksfully, they laughed.
I'll be back with a confession, I'm just reading this and I still can't believe she did that with the poop. SICK! Great story though!
Okay, who hasn't had nervous poo, right?
I think we should be able to discuss this openly, maybe on Larry King, maybe on Ellen. Either way, it has happened to everyone!
Around 5am this morning, a fuse blew in my room which killed my space heater (no central heat in my house). Rather than get up, put on my shoes and coat, go down to the basement and flip the switch, I sucked it up, burrowed under my covers and waited for my roommate to get up at 8am so he would go do it.
Still not sorry.
Okay, when I was in elementary school I was a Girl Scout. If thats not enough of a confession, I also had some pretty bad constipation issues. My parents would hold me down and shove laxatives down my throat. This in not the confession part yet even!
Okay, so I'm going through my Bridging Ceremony to become a Brownie and it hit me that I had to go. And I'm all in line waiting to become a woman as I crossed over a fake bridge in my schools cafeteria with all my other friends and I can't wait. So I pooped in my panties. And then I pooped some more. No one said anything, so I figured sweet, I'll just dump it (hahaha) when its over in the bathroom. Well after the ceremony my dad was telling me how proud he was and picked me up and SAT me on his LAP! It smooshed and he gave me a look like "what the f*%k!" He asked if I needed to go to the restroom and I said yes and went and took care of business. It had to smell awful in there, all the parents must of been gossiping about what a gross kid my parents had. Anywho . . . I'm the shit!
Whenever I clog the toilet (which happens often due to the fact we have a shitty toilet, pun intended!), I flush fifty million times, until I get rid of any evidence and hope the water level goes down before my husband has to use it. Then he has to plunge. Plungers gross me out.
So there i was riding the bus home after school when a boy decided it would be funny to plant a kiss on me. And well...my daddy always told me that boys should never do that without permission, so...i did what any girl would do. I wanted to slap him across the face, but my first reaction {sorry buddy that i was writing and had a pencil in my hand} i stabbed him in the eye :(
Lets just say i got suspended from the bus from that day on!!! I know...i know...that's harsh, but i was only in the 2nd grade.
The other day I was walking through the house and I noticed a cookie crumb on the carpet. Before I could even realize what I was doing I picked it up and ate it. And we haven't had those kind of cookies in the house for weeks. And YES, I vacuum all the time, so WTF was it doing there?
Wow. ZDub should win this week.
Anywho, so this week I went with the bf to his interview in the Bronx. It was the most miserable day of my existence. I believe being forced into the world through a vagina was better than this day. So, initially I was all "I'm going to make this a good day. I'm going to go explore and be an adult and not pout in the hospital cafe." So I go to the car and put the gps and head out on my great adventure. Since the zoo didn't open until 10 I figured I'd check out their library. Libraries are usually pretty safe options in places I don't know.
The gps gets me lost. Twice.
(Note, you cannot legally turn around anywhere in some sections of the Bronx. I totally pulled a few illegal u turns in the middle of busy streets- No, I could not wait until I got to busy intersections. I just whipped it around whenever I was lost and prayed there were no cops.)
Finally, I find the library and its in a shisty looking area. (Note, I don't know if this is truly a bad area but it intimidated me.) There is no parking and there is no way in hell I'm parking three plus block away to walk through areas I don't know! So I turn around again and try to program the god damn gps to find the zoo. About this time I've been driving for an hour and had to pee. Bad.
After another 3o minutes and the wrong entrance to the zoo. (The gate guy was explicit that he could NOT allow my car in the NON CAR gate.) I really wanted to give him a piece of my mind but I had to pee REALLY BAD at this point.
So, I program the gps for the hospital again. The misery of having pee plus nerves from being lost plus anxiety because I feel like I may pee my pants plus frustration at not being able to find anything in this god forsaken place led my digestive system to get REALLY stirred up.
I'm praying to all gods of every religion by the time I see the hospital. Mainly because I'm pretty sure J would have a problem if I peed/shit my pants in his car and you know, I didn't think to bring back up clothes with me. (What am I 3 again??)
My luck keeps getting better and I can't find a parking spot anywhere. Finally I park illegally behind a staff member of this hospital who gets her car booted regularly. I grab my shit and break into a quick walk/run to the hospital now praying to the gods that I won't shit/pee my pants and that the car won't get booted because god knows J and I have NO money right now. By some lucky break I make it to the bathroom in time... and have the biggest nervous shit of my life. I walk/run back to the car thanking the gods of parking that the car isn't booted.
I decided to stay at the hospital instead of risking another nervous shit while driving around the Bronx.
The Bronx and I are not on good terms.
The bf was informed that over my dead body will we ever live in the Bronx. He can commute from the Upper East Side damn it.
Sorry for the novella confession....
In 2nd grade art class, I reallllllyyyy had to pee, but I was really shy & afraid to ask to go, so I took my water bowl (for my water colors, duh) over to the sink, pretended to spill it on myself & peed my pants. So I told the teacher I spilled water on my pants & she sent me to the office, where they called my mom, and I still would not admit I peed my pants, so I rode the bus home with paper towels stuffed in pants. What for, i don't know. I still had pee pants & no amount of paper towels was changing that.
I was one dumbass kid.
I was taking a comparative religion class in college and one of the requirements was that we visit a religion that was different from what we were accustomed to. I decided on Buddhism because I thought it would be cool. I managed to convince my husband to come with me (this is the last time he ever did that). The service started with a transvestite greeting us and telling us the "rules" such as no moving during meditation. (I actually didn't know she was a man, m husband told me when we got home) I was pregnant at the time and the whole service involved standing and bowing and meditation. Well about two minutes into the service I started getting REALLY dizzy and starting to black out. Someone took me out of the room and gave me some tea. I felt better right away but did not want to go back into there, so I stayed outside and drank tee while my husband did the whole two house of meditation and bowing. He wouldn't speak to me for about three days. I honestly didn't feel bad because I was the one stuck with a little alien in my belly for nine months.
I was taking a comparative religion class in college and one of the requirements was that we visit a religion that was different from what we were accustomed to. I decided on Buddhism because I thought it would be cool. I managed to convince my husband to come with me (this is the last time he ever did that). The service started with a transvestite greeting us and telling us the "rules" such as no moving during meditation. (I actually didn't know she was a man, m husband told me when we got home) I was pregnant at the time and the whole service involved standing and bowing and meditation. Well about two minutes into the service I started getting REALLY dizzy and starting to black out. Someone took me out of the room and gave me some tea. I felt better right away but did not want to go back into there, so I stayed outside and drank tee while my husband did the whole two house of meditation and bowing. He wouldn't speak to me for about three days. I honestly didn't feel bad because I was the one stuck with a little alien in my belly for nine months.
1. I've been to 3rd Edition way too many times when I was well over the age of 21. Along with the Mad Hatter and Sign of the Whale. All establishments where you should be ashamed to be seen in at my age. Not me.
I killed my neighbors cat because it was always in my yard meowing and pissing off my dog.
Then I ate it, just to see what it tasted like.
Hey, Vietnamese people do it all the time. So why can't I?
So yes, Technically, I ate my neighbors pussy.
*This is all a big lie*
**Or is it?**
My dad told me and my little sister - she was 5 - to snap a big pot of string beans and when he turned around she stuck her tongue out at him. I then proceeded to black mail her for an entire year.
She had to do whatever I told her, like my chores, or get me snacks, whatever I wanted, if she protested, I would give her THE LOOK and the look meant that I would tell dad, and she'd hop right to it.
After a year, I told her to do something, she protested, I gave the LOOK, and when she dejectedly went to do what she was told my mom said WHAT'S GOING ON HERE and she broke down and told her and man was my ass in trouble.
and holy shit i hope ed is lying or i am going to HAVE a kitten
My kid, who has autism and is on a special diet, has started pooping constantly. Like all day long every day for the past 4 days or so. So, I change him frequently and he wriggles and tries to run off with poop coming out of him and down his legs and whatnot. When I catch him, he wriggles and fights, and I end up covered in poop. After the third time this happens in a day, I decide I'm tired of changing my clothes and I just walk around covered in poop for the rest of the day. See...these are the things no one tells you when you're thinking of having kids.
This is not a poop story.
My husband travels a lot (he's currently working in France right now). I "miss" him a lot, so I bought a pink dil--toy. He found it the other day and asked me what it was. I told him it was a pen holder and he believed it!!!
I peed in the woods when I was a teenager and got poison ivy on my ass. The next day I had to sit through school with my ass on fire with burning itch. I was twitching in my seat like a jumping bean for the entire day. That night I painted my butt cheeks pink with calomine so that I could sleep.
Holy shit...I am laughing SO damn hard right now!! Lol!!
Okay, my confession.
I was prob 19 or 20...who knows, those years were a big drunken blur. Anyhow.
Ahem. We all crashed at my friend's (note GUY friend) house. Being in a drunken stupor I passed out. On the living room floor.
I woke up that morning and felt like the boxers I had borrowed sometime in the evening (don't ask...I have no clue why I took my pants off? For REALS} were wet.
As in peed in this boy's boxers, ALL over the effing living room carpet.
I was mortified!!! I had never peed the bed/floor before. And to do it on someone's floor? That was carpeted?!
OMG. I left immediately. He never said anything about it...and yes, I did wash the shorts before I gave them back...
Scooping poop out of the toilet? Disgusting, couldn't do it. But you couldnt keep flushing either because he'd hear. Was this any higher than a third floor? Because if not, hellloooooo window.
I might make that my confession this week. I have, on more than 6 occassions (we're talking into double digits) just slipped away quietly into the night without letting anyone know.
Even in a group of four at the cinema, they'll walk up to the window, while they're busy I'll slip out the door and walk back to my car or home (because I would never do it if I had been the one that had given them there)
Why do I do it? Because I'm mysterious. Or a superhero. I'm not sure which.
That poop story is gross! and yet funny :)
I fell asleep in the middle of sex last week and he said I was snoring while he was cumming! We laughed about it. It's still pretty funny. I told him that I'm catching up on my sleep this weekend.
Secretia
Better than the tabloids.
Santa Cartoon Riddle
Hey K - you are probably taking Nicomide. Try using the same vitamin topically - Niapads - has the same stuff except it is used topically and more effective since it goes directly where needed. Visit them www.niapads.com and check them out. Love the poop story - is it really true??? You know people do weird stuff when stressed out.
okay, this was over the top this week.
My confession is that I, too, am way behind on blog commenting/reading lately...
My other confession is that I am nervous to do this, but I kinda don't care. I know you're too hip & cool for bloggy awards, but there is one waiting for you over at my place. I heart MODG!!!
I've worn the same pair of pants to work for the past 3 weeks. I finally spilled yogurt on my lap and it looked like jizz so I had to change them out.
While in college and grad school I waited tables as a part time job. When people would piss me off I would retaliate by dropping their toast on the ground in the kitchen (whoops) and then serving it with a smile, or by stirring their drink with my finger. Mind you, I did reserve this "special treatment" for what I considered to be complete douche bags, but it just goes to show you should always be polite to your food server.
Ok, I seriously need to stop reading these with a full bladder or I'm going to end up with a peed my pants story.
My confession: As I sat down to turn on my computer this morning, my nose started to snot out. The tissue box was empty. So I blew my nose on the shirt my hubs left up here last night.
another confession is that I'm now letting my Jewish kids watch a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Santa episode for like the 3rd time this morning so I can be on Blogger. It's a little sad. But it's part of their Santa education, right? And it's as close to him as they'll ever get. Well, except for next week at school when they sit on his lap. oops.
I really really needed these laughs today, thanks to everyone.
Here's one from this previous week...
My mother and sister in law and stepfather in law (is that how you phrase that??) were staying with us over the last week. I had to leave them in the house alone to go to a few appointments (I know, I know... but I had to). After they had left, I came home to grab things my husband forgot and also to grab lunch and pee. I notice something that looks like toilet paper (paper towels???) in the hole of the toilet and attempt to flush and the water rises.
I decide it's not my job to mess with in-laws clogging toilets and take a nice long pee in the shower before leaving the house.
I left the toilet for husband to deal with after work.
Oh and I wasn't actually taking a shower, just peeing.
My confession:
For my 30th b-day I threw myself a party. After drinking a whole bottle of wine I ended up praising the porcelain god. The next day I told everyone that I had gotten sick overnight, but I let them believe that I was puking when I was really having diarrhea. The diarrhea lasted for 5 days. Turns out I had an intestinal virus!
Oh boo...I'm late for the confessions Friday, but I'll give one anyway.
Last Christmas I was trying to lose weight...I don't know why but I was (I late found out I was pregnant...yeah) anyways I decided to take a laxative for the first time.
Then I decided to go to my mom's hospital christmas party at a really nice hotel. About 25 minutes into the party I thought I had to fart...I totally sharted and ran to the bathroom and had the WORST pooh known to man. I was in and out of that bathroom for a good hour. I told my mom, because she was really worried about me, that it was from the food they were serving.
Obviously I wasn't going to tell I took a laxative to lose weight. Will not EVER do that again and definitely don't suggest anyone trying that....ever. Nasty
You can dissolved poop in the sink? I guess you learn something new everyday.
I'm going to have to think of a confession and get back to you. This sounds like fun.
New you your blog.
I am with you on the pee wash no hands things. I hate doing it too, its annoying, and usually I just use my sanitizer later.
I like confession friday. now a follower :)
You didn't post my godamned confession like I asked...
This is the exact e-mail I sent to our beloved MODG:
I left work early and am at S's (with dial-up). Please post my confession...
There were these weird ass twins that I went to school with all through school and they wanted to be priests when they grew up (I told you...weird as shit). In the 5th grade I told one of them that I saw on the news that boys who wanted to be priests when they were young grew up to be axe murderers. They went home & told their mom & she called my mom.
I was in deep shit.
As a sidenote: surprisngly, the Catholic church is willing to marry me.
Sidenote 2: Jackholes, leave confessions on Confession Friday. I don't want to have to keep reminding you.
My confession:
I bartend on the side (broke and in grad school..it's easy money)
So last night, I had to bartend by myself, and it was getting near closing time, and I was exhausted and crabby. The owner called and said to let his cousin in after hours, and I said no. He told me the cousin was already on the way and I had no choice.
So I lock up the bar, get to cleaning, counting money, etc. Here's why I'm pissed, the creepy ass cousin hit on me a few months ago and awkwardly asked me out. 1. THE GUY IS TANNER THAN THE GIRLS ON JERSEY SHORE...this is not natural 2. he drives a BMW z3, the tiny little roach looking one, and he acts like it's a freaking Maybach (I don't like flashy guys)
So, I heard a noise coming from the side door, freak out, and open it to see what it was. It was the cousin, standing there with two weird ass slaggy girls. What did I do>? Slam the effing door in their faces without saying a word.
Man that felt good....then the owner showed up, let them in, and I pretended not to know what they were talking about when they said I slammed the door in their face. Ugh.
sorry to be so late- i was in connecticut for the weekend visiting my besties new baby.
that being said...everyone was all "you are going to come home wanting one- no doubt about it". um, my confession: it was the best form of birth control ever. and he is an amazing baby- cried like once all weekend because he wanted to sleep & his mom woke him up. i love him- he is amazing- but IT IS EXHAUSTING!! poop, pee, spit up, bottles- not to mention- lack of sleep & stress, so mommy and daddy want to murder each other like 99% of the day. NO THANK YOU. we fight enough as it is.
may never have one after this weekend.
My confession-
I have not completed all my Christmas knitting for gifts. I may have to wrap "almost finished" projects!
Pee hands?
Note to self to never suck on your fingers.
Ok- this is my aunt and not me, but suck it up, because it's hilarious.
She was in Europe for the first time during a brief modeling stint in college. Mistaking the bidet for the toilet she does a big ole number two in there. Then tried to flush, sending stream of poo-ish water into the air. Freaking out, the commences to cut the shit into tiny pieces with her toothbrush (!) to get it down the tiny little bidet drain. Needless to say, her first European purchase was a new toothbrush.
P.S. you don't get pee on your hands when you use the restroom- why is it always necessary to wash your hands? Public restrooms soap is so drying!
These are hilarious! Now my turn...
I went to my parent's best friend's lakehouse for NYE a few years ago without my (now)husband. I was depressed he wasn't with me and pissed off he was in Tampa with his friends, so I purposely took too many mint chocolate shitty shots and drank way too much vodka...then I jumped in a frozen lake with a bunch of people... then I passed out on my parent's friend's futon. In my sleep I puked all over myself and their blanket - little chunks of sausage and cheese. When I woke up I wondered why the room smelled like a pizzeria and how the sausage got out of my belly and into my hair...when I realized what happened I tried to dump all of the puke balls into the toilet and rush the blanket to the laundry room. Unfortuantely I had thrown up SO much and it was SO smelly that they had to throw out EVERYTHING - blankets, pillows, futon mattress, everything.
They still bring it up when I see them. I think I should buy them a futon someday when I have money.
POOP IN THE SINK!
I'm thinking. I'll be back.
I spend entirely too much money on things I don't need. I've purchased 3 cell phones in the last year, including the 1 I bought yesterday. My husband thinks 2 of the phones were sold to me by friends at a low-low price. I lied. I paid full price for all of them.
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