Stuff you spend money on when you don't have human babies. Just magic cat babies.

Yesterday my cats had dental surgery. Swears. Their breath smelled like a fish who ate an armpit and the vet was like, they are gonna fall over dead from infection if you don't give them super maximum cat dental surgery for 1 billion dollars immediately.

So I emailed smart Vet friend Michelle for a 2nd opinion.

Me: Vet friend, please tell me this is bullshit and I don't have to spend 1billion american dollars on cat teeth.
M: It's not bullshit, it's real and they will straight up die if you don't.
Me: FOR REALS? But they are my special babies!
M: Yes, they will get infections and die and you will be so sad
Me: Oh man.
M: So you better do it.
Me: Ok vet friend. Ok. I will do it.

before.

Well as much as B loves his cats he was not so down with the cat teeth plan. Here's the thing. B has been all laughy jokey for years about how when we got them and the cat lady was like here's an F-ing cat toothbrush to clean their teeth. B was like, what a crock of bullshit mixed with crazy! Who brushes cats teeth? Not us.

Well, B has learned a serious lesson. Brushing cats teeth saves you a billion dollars.

Me: B, you hate our cats and they will die. Michelle said so.
B: I love our kitties.
Me: No you don't, you love your money more and their blood will be on your hands
B: **sads**
Me: I'm not kidding they are our special love babies sent from god and the clouds
B: You are right we must give them dental health!
Me: Agreed.

So yesterday they had their scary cat teeth procedure and now their pupils are dilated from the anesthesia  and they look like cat aliens from space. I'm pretty sure if I stare into them they will drink my brain. I'm afraid to take a real camera picture of their little eyes for fear of explosion or general cat freak out, so I drew one for you.

after.

They are so freaked out and doing weird things like staring close range at the wall for 2 straight hours. Now we have to give them special medicine for 2 weeks in their throats and also wash their mouths out with CAT MOUTHWASH. Cats totally love things squirted at them as much as a white bathingsuit loves a period. So that's gonna be super awesome for everyone involved.

But we love them and will do anything for them. Go ahead and call me a cat lady. Call B a cat lady too, we don't care. Actually, please call B a cat lady. I will pay you in gum.

Super get well hearts to Charlie and Willy. We will totally spend a billion dollars on your fish stained tiny teeth because you are magical beings who are both Asian and psychic.


Feel free to make my cats get well cards and send them to my email.
NO TOILETS. We are all very tired of the toilets.

Day 3 of AMERICA'S FAVORITE STUFF ON TOILETS.

Here we are on a very toilety Monday. It's day 3 of the competition, 2 days left, and this is a very good toilet day. Some of you were all, what the shit is this whole thing? Are people sending these in every day? I want in with my rockstar toilet. 

No. The deadline has passed. I just have like a gabillion toilets to get through and if I keep accepting them to post, I'm going to change the blog to martinis or your gd toilet... Which you weirdos would probably love. 

So here's how it works for the new kids. Look at the toilets below and vote for your fave in the comments section. We'll then move to the toilet finals and find America's (and I think Australia's) favorite toilet. Go ahead, be joyful. It's all completely awesome. 

Suicide Poison Toilet

By, Antsy Pants

This toilet owner was all, F that. I'm sick of everyone giving MODG shit for putting food on her toilet and saying that it's "germy" or "dirty". I'm going to show these whiners what food danger really is. I'm going to go ahead and put my food and drink next to straight up POISON. And you know what? You can all bite me, because me and my little man on the top deck are all, NBD....snickers, gin and tonic, poison, whateves. Bold, toilet owner, bold.  I like it. 

"Welcome" to Texas

By, A Life More Exciting

So this toilet is all, Hey ya'll come to Texas.... But here's the thing. Texas doesn't want you. Texas doesn't love you. Do you know who Texas loves? TEXAS. How do I know? That frame is empty. EMPTY because it's a Texas frame and the only think that can go in a Texas frame is another picture of texas. So it's empty. I know you were like, well maybe my picture can go in there? Wrong. Why do you think it's the "lonestar" state? Do I have to tell you who the lone star is? I'll give you a clue: it's not you OR Britney. HOWEVER: that cowboy boot rocks my face off. 

There was a bunch of shit up here but I ate it Toilet

By, Houston Gurly

Toilet Owner definitely went all out and put her favorite shit all over this toilet. There were sardines, tuna, mice, strings, tiny birds and she was all, this toilet ROCKS. I can't wait to send it to MODG. She's gonna die. I love fish and birds and stuff. So toilet owner goes to get her camera and comes back to this shit. The cat ate it all? Wah wah.....(sad sounds). And that cat is like, what? I can't help it that we both have the same favorite things. Take it sister, I'm going to lick my lips in your face. And I'm going to judge you for entering this weird toilet competition. Too bad, so sad. ...Ballsy cat.

You can find me da club Toilet

By, Blonde Walks Into a Blog

This toilet is so acid trip nightmare to me. It's so hammered from a night of booz and whatever this asshole was snorting off of the sink with his "boys". You can infer what you will from the butt paste....(JS) I just feel like this toilet really needs to get his shit together. He's all, duuuude it's totally cool, relax I'm just having a good time. And I'm like, I don't listen to any toilet with an enlarged handle and splash guard. That shit is crazy. Once you grow up, ease off the sauce and just BE a proud gay man, we can maybe work on our relationship. Until then, you are dead to me.

Mortified Mut Toilet

By, The Domestic Empress

OMG this dog is so embarrassed. He does not want his dog friends to see him on the internet. I'm guess it's because he wasn't given a real martini but a cotton ball martini. Which no one is interested in outside of maybe Care Bears. He like won't even look us in the eye. Poor puppy. It's ok dog, write me an email or just g-chat me and I'll send you some real booz. In the meantime, keep working on your garland chain to throw out the window and climb out of that house. I'll meet you at Olive Garden. xoxo.

That's your 5 for the day. This is a tough week. They are all the hotness.
Vote in the comments and voting ends at 8am eastern on Tuesday.

hearts to you.

CONFESSION FRIDAY: Somehow we're talking about vagina spray again....

To those of you still left after my last post, welcome to Confession Friday! So yet again I managed to piss off some people today. I think it was the conservatives mostly. I'm sorry. So in order to make it up to you, I have highlighted 2 church confessions. But a lot of poop ones too. Oh and remember church girls, I'm not so bad...see? Hearts for one and all. Especially cats. 

Rules:

Read the confessions below

Point and laugh and pee your pants

Add your confession in the comments

Check back next week to see if you are a confession winner. You win my love and respect for 7 days. 

Very advanced at a young age Confession Mainland Streel said...

When I was about ten or so, I would call my brother into the bathroom and make him look at my poop (usually when it was unexpectedly awesome poop, like the time I had a Slurpee and it turned blue *I would love to know other examples of awesome poop*). He got wise eventually, so I changed up my luring strategy a bit. I'd be all "oh my gosh, come see this, it's soooo awesome!" and he'd say, "I'm NOT looking at your crap!" but eventually, given enough coaxing He did turn out somewhat normal, no thanks to me. :)

Christians scare me a little but I am not offending anyone anymore Confession Brittany said...

I grew up in a Christian house hold. My parents were youth pastors, and we attended church several times a week. Growing up I was taught that masturbation was immoral. Yet, I still did it. One morning after I made myself happy, we got the call that my great grandmother had died. I honestly thought God had killed my grandmother to punish me. I went around believing this for many years *years?!*. I can honestly say I haven't killed anyone since *GOOD I'm not interested in murder confessions*

This is war and I'll help Confession PeaceLoveApplesauce said...

When my daughter was born, my husband found it hilarious that the hospital gave you pills to help you go poo after birth. He found it even more hilarious that once the urge hit, you couldn't really hold it long & needed to go right then *I know a lot of people who would kill your husband for making light of such a poop issue*. This didn't change after the birth of my second son. He thought it'd be funny to lock me out of the bathroom just to see how long I could make it *OMG SO NOT FUNNY*. So not funny to a sleep deprived Mama. To prove to him that I had no shame, I took out one of my newborn sons diapers and went in it. Said husband with an extremely weak stomach received a nice package when opening the bathroom door. He never effed with me or my pooing ever again. *you should have smeared it on his pillow*

Most traumatizing thing at the most traumatizing age Confession emily☆ said...

When I was around 12 my church youth group was going on a bike ride and then going swimming in my parent's pool. It was a beautiful summer day as I happily peddled next to my crush at the time. All of a sudden the urge to poo hit and I freaked because I was 12 (and clearly at 12 I was 'too cool' to talk about poo), nowhere near a toilet, and talking to a cute boy! So I quickly said I thought I was going to puke *I love how it's the universal girl code that puke is cooler than poop*, jumped off my bike and ran into the forest. I made it far enough from the path so as not to be seen pulled down my shorts and breathed a huge sigh of relief. . . . . until I remembered (too late I might add) that I had decided to wear my one piece bathing suit on the bike ride so that I didn't have to waste precious time changing once I got home. So there I stood, in the middle of the forest with a poo filled bathing suit.  I tried to dump the poo out of my bathing suit which of course made an even bigger mess. I'm not sure if I ever talked to that boy again. *totally traumatizing and stinky. Sads for 12 year old you*

I am very happy to announce our Confession Princess this week. She is a very loyal reader and commenter so she deserves to have her shame spread all over the internet. I am most impressed with 1) her mother and 2) her retardedness. Go Kelly.

CONFESSION PRINCESS Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

Remember when Designer Impostors Body Sprays were all the rage? Circa late 80's early 90's? *OH YES I DO. I had seen the commercials for these sprays as well as another off brand of perfume sprays called FDS. All the girls in the FDS commercials at the football games looked like they were having SO much fun. With my allowance saved up I ran to CVS to purchase some smell good spray *It's funny because that spray really did look like the bottles of the designer imposter sprays. Like mini air fresheners.*. I walked around looking everywhere for the FDS spray, it seemed way cooler than the Designer Impostors spray. I thought it was strange that the FDS was in the same isle as the tampons and pads but I shrugged it off and I bought it. Truth be told I was finally over wearing Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth and Exclamation *Had it, loved it. Wish I still did*.

Fast Forward to the next AM - I sprayed my wrists and neck with my new designer spray. Before I walked out the door my mom walked by and asked "What is that smell?" I exclaimed it was my new FDS spray. She asked... "WHAT? Where did you spray it?"... I told her... and she laughed and said "Kelly... that's for your bird (*YOUR BIRD?! WHAT?!?!) - its feminine hygiene spray for when you feel not so fresh."... I was shocked, sickened and screamed "NO IT'S NOT!"... She told me... yes it was and read the bottle to me... Because clearly I was too lazy to read the fine print about where this spray went and why it was used. *Hey if it makes your bird fresh, it probably makes the rest of you sparkly too. I say you were smart*

CONFESS.

toilets on monday.

Why I don't say Fuck, Goddamn or Motherfucker (but apparently capitalize them??)

Dear MODG,
Why do you say shit, bullshit, asshole but not any other excellent curse words? Are you cursist?
Love,
Loyal Reader

Dear Loyal Reader,
Hi. Thanks for writing to me. Nobody really does so it makes me feel like we are close friends who have sleepovers and talk on the phone about boys. Anyway, to your question. You are correct. I say shit, bullshit and asshole but you'll often see that I only say F, GD, and MF instead of Fuck, Goddamn and Mother Fucker. And it's funny because in my daily life, I say Fuck, Goddamn, and Mother Fucker a fair amount. Just not on the blog.

So I thought about this a lot and I was all, MODG: Why don't you say Fuck, Goddamn and Mother Fucker on your blog? They are really good words to use sometimes and gives things emphasis. Like for example, What the fuck Britney, really? Candies as an endorsement? or Goddamn it B I need a Twizzler like stat immediately with this vodka. Like you really get what I'm saying here as a result of my use of fuck and goddamn. Anyway, here are some more reasons I thought of:

1) My parents and B's parents read this blog: Hi mom and dad and B's mom and dad! And part of me is like, they are MOMS AND DADS and its not nice to say fuck, goddamn and mother fucker around moms and dads. But it IS ok to say shit, bullshit and asshole around moms and dads.  Like once we were fishing with B's parents and my sister in law caught a huge fish and I caught nothing because fishing smells and is for boys. So I told B's dad that the fish that I was trying to catch was an asshole. And B's dad was cool with that reason. So asshole is definitely cool with moms and dads since I tested it.

2) I don't want to offend anyone. Some people are sensitive about special words. Like that was totally obvious when I pissed off every pink and green Lilly wearing republican in America by saying "mean". Fuck I think I just pissed off a new group by saying republican. FUCK I just said fuck.

3) Since I talk about babies a lot, I don't want to say fuck, goddamn and mother fucker in case a baby is actually READING this blog. It's kind of like how you don't take little kids to NC17 movies. But I think NC17 movies have porn in them. Or is that XXX?  No I think NC17 just has like really brutal murder. Regardless this whole post is bringing rapists murderers to this blog for sure.

4) I don't want to bring rapists murderers to this blog.

5) When B walks around the house saying FUCK all dramatic for no good reason, like when he accidentally picked up 2 crackers instead of the 3 he meant to grab, he scares the goddamn fucking shit out of me and I'm all, B DON'T SAY F YOU SCARED ME. And he's like...sorry. So I also don't want to scare you.

6) Jesus and God both hate curse words. And Jesus loves me. God is iffy.

So those are my reasons for not saying fuck, goddamn and mother fucker. I think I'm going to stick with F, GD and MF from now on still. Because I like saying, WHAT THE F?! Like you all get it and then we're also cool with the mom and dad preppy republican rapists murder babies who may be reading.

CONFESSIONS LATER TODAY BITCHES.

dirty word glitter,
MODG

PS Spell check says fuck is a word but fucker is not. I thought you should know.
PPS I have lost 2 followers since posting this post. It's ok. We're just whittling this shit down to the A team.

REALLY GIANT CAPS LOCK MODG BLOG NEWS

Welcome friends. Today I'm bringing you MODG news of large proportions. I have to tell you I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing because change in general makes me have diarrhea cramps. So I really need your support through this and I know if I have my only true friends with me, my internet friends, everything will be ok.

It's time to say goodbye. Not goodbye to you. I love you and narcissistically crave your attention. I am saying goodbye to Google's Blogger. Blogger and I have had good times but mostly bad. Like when I say, hey blogger, today I want to put a picture in the middle of my post. It's all, NO I want it on the right. And when I say, hey Blogger, do you think maybe today we can have one space between a paragraph instead of 9? And it's like, um, I'll get back to you... NO. And then I'm like ok Blogger have your way, just make all the text the same color. And it's like HA! I enjoy all colors of text. Blogger is a tricky bitch who does things blogger's way. And if there is one thing you know about me, it's my way or your asshole's way.

So I was stalked awesome blogs like The Bloggess and Nicole is Better and I was like, You know, I need that shit. Good looking blog shit that tells Blogger to suck it. Turns out Shatterboxx Media designed them both. And Suri came down from the heavens and sent me the greatest gift any celebrity baby has ever gifted me. Ready?

I WON A FREE BRAND NEW SUPERSONIC BLOG DESIGN FROM 

DID YOU HEAR ME SAY I WON? BECAUSE I WON. WON WON WON. 

I entered this contest that was like, hey blog people, if you tweet this fart this comment this spread this lick this you will be entered in our cool contest. So I did all that stuff and then 1 week later they are all, HEY MODG YOU F-ING WON.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now here's what goes along with this. I'm moving to the feared yet revered Wordpress. Wordpress is scary shit. It's like advanced professional stuff for real bloggers. And I've talked to bloggers who did this and were like crying real tears because no one read their blog anymore and they lost their followers and this got real scary real fast. But the upside is that I own my content. F YOU GOOGLE. And things are about to look real fancy around here. 

So if you even made it this far in this crazy long post, I'm here to tell you that YOU MUST add my url that you see above to your reader: www.martinisordiapergenies.com. But it MAY be www.modgblog.com so just add both. Because that blogspot bullshit is going bye town. And if you don't change it you won't get my shit anymore and everyone will cry especially me. 

I'm not sure when everything is moving over but I'm preparing you now. And just so everyone is cool with everyone, I thought it was time I introduced Shatterboxx the appropriate way. Please everyone, give  a warm MODG welcome to hot sluts of Shatterboxx Media:

If this doesn't make you run to their company to re-do you're blog, I just don't know who you are anymore.  

A HUGE CAPS LOCK THANK YOU TO JAMIE AND NICOLE FOR ALREADY PUTTING UP WITH 43 EMAILS OF NONSENSE. 

Can't wait to see the final sparkle blog. I'm sure it will cause me less diarrhea farts when it's up and running. 

ps. anyone who has been through "the change" I am accepting all tips and advice and gifts.